There are thoughts I’m trying to avoid. I’m struggling to suppress it ‘cause it might distract my already sidetracked attention induced by my addiction… on tetris! Damn! I need to focus. I’ve already met my instructors on my 2nd bid to pass Analytic Geometry and Advanced Algebra subjects at school so I think setting them as the cynosure of my thoughts is the best thing I should do. Napaka-bano ko pa naman sa Algebra, kaasar. But sometimes, thoughts
OF YOU of irrelevant things seeps out, drawing me away. It keeps on popping out like an annoying ad from Alibaba.com and worst, it urges me to delve in and hurt myself again and just forget about everything. No, I can’t do that. I can’t risk this endeavor to something that is obviously hopeless which is you full of uncertainty. But I’m missing you. I miss our late night calls, kinky conversations, senseless topics, our concurrence on how stupid Duterte is and the erotic talks and laughs we make. My mind tells me its only confined in this virtual reality and will never go anywhere, but my heart still insist to indulge myself into it. You’re already with an amazing company of people and with someone that is just one proposal away to forever. Which lead me to the conclusion that I didn’t left any impression with your life at all and I don’t serve any purpose to you other than being part of your social media circle that only exist within this virtual world.
So there. The thoughts I’m trying to suppress, I let it out. My honesty is both a virtue and a frailty. A virtue because I want to stay true to myself as far as possible and a frailty because no matter how hard I try I will never be able to hide the fact that I’m so in love with you even if its causing me depressing pain. Believe me, I’m trying hard to let go of it just like how you want it. I’m fond of noble things so I guess my life’s purpose is to serve for the benefit of humanity and not to someone who doesn’t even bother to ask me how am I. So I’m gonna focus on this. I’m going to finish this. Whoever waits for me in the end, if there would be anyone, if its you, I’ll be glad and become in love even more. If there is none, its ok. I’m so used to it. I’ve already submitted myself to that fact a long time ago, that I am and will be alone. Forever.
Back to my cave. My bitter-sweet seclusion.